Shit -- I'm a walking stereotype!

What kind of postmodernist are you!?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a Gender Nazi. Your boundary-crossing
lifestyle inspires awe in your friends and
colleagues. Or maybe they're just scared you
will kick their asses for using gender-specific
language. Either way, the wife-beater ribbed white tank top* helps.


*Don't even get me started on what a classist elitist misogynist term "wife-beater" is. I hatehatehate it, and I'll be sharing this opinion with the folks at Quizilla.

**thanks to Pinko Feminist Hellcat for supplying this hilarious quiz.



What 20th Century Theorist are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are Michel Foucault! You wrote groundbreaking
histories of prisons, hospitals, asylums, and
sex. Interestingly, you thought basically the
same thing about all of them. Your historical
accuracy is a bit dodgy, but that was never
really the point. You were very obsessed with
power roles - so obsessed that you frequented
gay S&M clubs, and died of AIDS in 1984.

**thanks to Engineers Anonymous for this quiz.

Happy Halloween!

Someone sent this picture via email. I think it's funny.

The Ponchette is nearly done. I bound off. It needs a good strong blocking and one small seam, so I expect to finish mid-week. Hooray!

Over the next couple days, please expect many photos of the cutest Little Man in history. Trick or Treating in our neighborhood happened on Saturday night, so there was a mad dash on Saturday morning to complete the costume. There was a little bitching and complaining about the hood (on his part and mine), and the rain put a little damper on the event. But ultimately Little Man had a great time. He traipsed around happily smiling and greeting our new neighbors (i.e. proving that lesbian families are not inherently evil). He sat on our porch and handed out pretzel packets (yeah, we're those kinda dykes). He jumped and ribbited and otherwise acted like a 2 year old frog. It was precious.

And we'll be doing it again tonight. At 4pm, Little Man will arrive at MIT in costume. Many co-workers will rejoice. At 5pm, Little Man will be trolling the streets of Brookline Village. His Aunties and Pepere will rejoice. At 7:30pm, Little Man will collapse into a carseat slumber. Mommies will rejoice. Within a couple days, I will post pictures. The universe will rejoice.

WWMD

My thoughts on last night's Martha Stewart's Apprentice -- will someone please tell Alexis that turtlenecks don't look good on her? Just sayin'. But the legs, nice.



The BFF requested that I post the following picture. She thinks Martha is hot. I am indulgent.

Quickie

Life has been wonderful, but busy, so I'm dashing off a quickie post.

Last weekend: great time with Roo, who wasn't feeling the sewing love, but endured through two pairs of fleece PJ bottoms for each child. They're cute. The kids LOVE them. And when I say LOVE, I mean neither child has worn real pants since Saturday. Two year olds are fickle creatures, so I count this as a big success.

Great time with Alison, who helped me figure out sizing for the Ponchette, shared tales of famous knitwear designers, let me fondle one of her KnitPicks Wool of the Andes (it was much softer than I expected!) blocks for the Great American Aran Afghan (which is stunning!), and endured the monumental increase in household energy when Little Man woke from his much-needed nap and Wifey walked into the house with her two little sisters (aged 13 & 16, and easily two of my favorite people in spite of their age).

Some sewing on the frog Halloween costume. I must hurry up and finish this. There will be Trick or Treating in our neighborhood on Saturday night and more ToTing in Pepere & Auntiesneighborhood on Monday night.

And finally, the thing you've been waiting for -- a 90% finished Ponchette (next to Interweave Knits for scale)!



And a close-up:



I confess to a misguided notion that I was finished after 6 repeats, as opposed to the recommended 8 and binding off and blocking on Sunday night. But alas, I was wrong. Once again smacked down by my knitting. So I put it back on the needles and committed to another repeat. Oh yes, there was this little misunderstanding involving:
1) Mafia being entirely unclear as to what an "around the outside of the arms/shoulder" measurement is
2) two cell phones in different states
3) the intended recipient, who I will not name BFF&ExGF#2for the purpose of maintaining her dignity,
4) a tape measure
5) an around-the-shoulder measurement of 32"
6) Mafia scratching her head for two weeks about the ability of any human woman to be 32" all the way around when her own left thigh is 29" (yes, I measured)
7) several assurances from "someone" that 32" was the correct shoulder measurement, even after confirming that 32" was also her bra size
8) Mafia being simultaneously skeptical and impressed and "someone" could defy laws of physics/math
9) two more cell phones in different states
10) a removal of 1 head from 1 ass
11) a re-measurement, and
12) a logical 39" (which is still pretty small when compared to my left thigh.

Remind me to tell you about the absolutely hilarious experience I once had in the dressing room at The Gap. Let's just say that it involved trying on a pair of stretch jeans in a size 0 and discovering that my left thigh is a Gap size 0. I am clearly obsessed with my left thigh.

I could buy a lot of clogs with ...

My blog is worth $9,597.18.
How much is your blog worth?

BUT our illustrious Ms. Yarn Harlot could buy a house with ...

Yarn Harlot's blog is worth $564,540.00.
How much is your blog worth?

Thanks to Pinko Feminist Hellcat for sharing this fun game.

Tangled in the Turnstile

My fellow MIT SnBer Christine has a wonderful piece on the web that's techically a class assignment for her graduate program at the MIT Media Lab. But it's totally fascinating outside of the academic context. It gives new meaning to recycling a sweater, and to the way that fashion and fiber creates interactions between strangers and with the built world. Its humorous and anxiety provoking. I wonder if the Subway Knitter has seen it yet? Go check it out. In addition to the photos on the main page, click on the videos at the top. I especially liked videos 5 & 8. Enjoy!

Alexis be mine?

And I'll say it again -- I'm totally lusting over Alexis Stewart! Take a look at this picture and try to convince me that this woman is not a dyke. Go ahead, try...



Yes, I'm being totally stereotypical here, and yes, you may bitch about it in my comments and I won't delete anything. But seriously folks, this woman is a dyke. Did you watch Martha's Apprentice last night? At one point, Wifey and I gave each other the raised eyebrow due to AS's excellent lesbo-stylin'. I tried to find a picture online, but couldn't. Short black jacket, black pants, chunky shoes, button-down with collar over the jacket collar, dykey hair (as usual), etc. Is this correct, or I am just remembering it that way in my mind?

Even if she's not a big queer, the marketing people at NBC are working really hard to capture my little (teeny) crafty lesbo demographic. Or perhaps they're trying to start some rumors to get more viewers. If that's the case, it seems to be working. At least based on the number of hits I get from people looking for "Alexis Stewart" + "lesbian". Just sayin'.

Either way, she's wicked hot.

Geographic friends

I am blatantly copying Andrea over at Mellow Trouble in setting up a visual geographic tracker of my last 20 hits. So fun! Go see.

Sockettes and Ponchettes

Here are the finished Ms. CJSR socks (collective awww...)



The yarn is Lion Brand Magic Stripes in the "bright spring pattern" color. Girly enough to please our fairly mainstream next door neighbors (who are getting the second set of these), and gender-neutral enough to please the lovely funky hipmamas of Ms. CJSR.

Here's a WIP photo of the BFF&ExGF#2 ponchette from Poncho Loco:



That's one complete 32 row repeat, thankyaverymuch. I love the pattern. It's a great lace pattern that's easy to memorize zen knitting -- just difficult enough to keep me focused, but not so hard that I want to cry. Hooray! And I LOVE the yarn. Karabella Yarn's Aurora 8 might be my new favorite flavor. Yummy.

*thanks (again!) to Danielle lugging her digital camera around all the time, for taking numerous pictures for me, for providing an excellent backdrop-shawl and for volunteering her blocking-pin-hands to hold the ponchette.

Baby Sophie or CJSR socks

Here's a progress photo of the first of two pairs of socks for two adorable little babies I know.



One pair for the brand new girl next door, and the other overdue pair for Sassy baby of Sassy Moms (CJSR). If Ms. CJSR's feet haven't grown too much, she'll be getting them. Otherwise, Baby Sophie will get these and Ms. CJSR will get a new (slightly larger) pair.

In this project I learned how to knit two socks on one circular needle with the Magic Loop method. I love it. I also learned that pulling one end from the middle of the yarn ball and the other end from the outside will result in slightly mismatched stripes. Close, but no (proverbial) cigar.

Conan debut!

Holy shit. I just got an email from an old 'flame' (who played cello at our wedding [silly lesbians]). She sent this link to her debut TV performance on CONAN! Holy shit. For the lesbos in the group, pay special attention at the 2 minute mark and the 3:10 minute mark.

Crafty Weekend, Take 2

Ok, so it's Thursday and I'm still writing about last weekend. Flakyflakymommy.

Little Man's costume is about 1/2 finished. I completed the 'jumpsuit' and the hood, but no embellishments as of yet. I would post a picture, but how cute is a lime green hooded jumpsuit and on a 2 year old? Not so much.

As previously mentioned, I had a rockin' time with Roo, Ms. G and her HipHubby. There are photos here. So much fun! Now that the Baby-Joey gift has been given, I can officially show pictures of my secret August/September project:



Ta-da! HUGE thanks to Danielle for giving me a pile of leftover Cotton Ease.

SPECS:
YARN: Cotton Ease,
NEEDLES: size 4 Addis,
PATTERN: Hat with Ear Flaps and Simple Raglan Sweater from Debbie Bliss's Baby Knits book.
THOUGHTS: I didn't like the rolling collar and sleeves, so I substituted seed stitch bands all around. I'm not sure about the ear flaps. They don't seem to be in the right place, but we'll see how the hat fits Joey when he makes his worldly debut.

Roo's BFF "Boo," writing here at Trollspotting bought Little Man and Ms. G matching T-shirts a couple months ago while spending the weekend in Provincetown. PTown is such a beautiful place, and inspires queer websites, women's websites and countless others. So it should surprise no one that our WeeOnes now have these t-shirts, courtesy of hilarious Uncle Boo.



I didn't work on Monday, and I make a teeny nod to our ancestral conquerer in thanks for the day off. I make a huge loopy nod in thanks for allowing me to finally schedule a time to meet Alison. A very impressive sweater was worn. There was much talk of politics and religion and our backgrounds and morning pastry, and current jobs and on and on. It's been a very long time since I've spent 2 hours with a virtual stranger, but it was so easy. Let's do that again soon, k?

Hanging out with Alison was also my first intentional knit-blogger meeting. I was convinced that MamaCate would be my first, but alas, our schedules aren't cooperating. Oh yeah, and she's going to that silly little event Rhinebeck this weekend. Clearly she won't have any fun, she won't meet any knitters, she'll slog through inches of mud in smelly rubber boots, and the heaps of fleece will be impossibly scratchy. I'm not jealous! Am not. I drive west, and she drives further west. Hmmmm...do I sense a pattern here? Soon, MamaCate, soon. You are taking me to Webs and we'll 'talk shop', ok? In the meantime, double up the VitC and Echinacea and feel better.

The Mafia needs...

I am so amused by this meme, thanks to Anna. You simply type "[your name] needs" into Google and pick the best hits.

The Mafia needs:
... a receptionist
... an urgent ruthless purge
... effective anti-virus and anti-spam too
... to come up with an alternative reality
... a safe home and a diaspora
... allied Chinese and South Korean officers
... a new puppet
... two goons, a good lawyer and a driveby shooter/driver
... a mascot
... a real ghetto ride
... a wisecracking malcontent
... a fairy godmother

[ and my personal favorite ]

... to wear bows in their hair

Happy -30th- Birthday Wifey!

It's the Big 3-0! tee-hee. Fortunately there are no identity crises in our house today. Wifey is very zen about moving into a new decade. So ... hats off to the yarn-bouquet-gift-givin'-lady of my house. And trust me when I say ... there's only one lady in my house. Even the cats are bitches.

Happy Anniversary!

I'm a bad bad wife. Today is the anniversary of my illegal real marriage, and here I am talking about Alexis Stewart. Well ... after four years of marriage, one child and several relocations, Wifey isn't too worried about A.S.

Tonight we ate Thai (my fav) with Little Man. He was the only little child in the restaurant and was Mr. Polite. Please, thank you, quiet voice, etc. He's the best.

Tonight I ask that my few readers raise a glass to 4 more years with Mrs. Mafia. She's the best.



Yes, I'm the one in the custom-made white satin suit with tails to the ground.

Alexis Stewart

Is it wrong that I think that Alexis Stewart is wicked hot? She's strong, opinionated, and has a cute lesbian haircut. I am shocked that she's 40 years old, and also shocked that she's about to be divorced.

Hey Alexis -- I'd happily iron your linens and roll your prosciutto.

Crafty Weekend

Clearly folks believe that I should share the wealth with Wifey. Alright. But I'm really hoping that the voters for option #3 (replace pants, buy practical clogs and share with Wifey) pull off a win in the end. I'd really like new clogs ...

Crafty crafty weekend. Hooray. First of all, I spent some serious QT with Roo this morning while the kids ran around, trashed her house, made a huge pile of fleece and jumped from the bottom step onto the pile. They laughed hysterically for about an hour and we happily knit on the couch. Meanwhile ... her hubby, a most excellent kind-hearted, music-playing, quilt-making, army guy (I know, I know ... he defies all stereotypes, which is a big part of why I adore him), asked me to teach him to knit. Roo scrounged up some fat needles and some pumpkin Wool Ease, and I taught him to knit!! We started out with English, but after about 10 rows, I realized that I should teach him Continental. He did really well. Was a total natural. By the way John, if you run into trouble, this is a great source for knitting videos: Knitting Help.

My big goal for the weekend is to wave my wand over this random stuff:



and turn it into Little Man's costume (sans crown):



Wish me luck!

Zebra-Ass and Clogs

Wow! The People's Republic of Cambridge is very responsive. I got a call from Public Works within a couple hours. I got a call from the Mayor's office within a day. The Galaxy sculpture was roped off like a scene from Law and Order. Within two days, I had tracked down the responsible party (Boston Properties) and secured a promise of reimbursement. You know what that means? NEW CLOGS!!

Here's the big question -- should I be practical and buy brown (to match my blue work pants) or buy a fun color or style because this is a little windfall? Or should I combine the two perspectives and buy simultaneously brown/practical and fun/mary janes/embroidered? Or should I get Dykey-Dansko like the Jolie or the Melodie??

Or should I share some of the windfall with Wifey, who is an unemployed SAHM and hasn't seen a windfall in a long time?

Perhaps I should create my first blog poll? Ohh ... fun! Here goes:

Today's Adventure

Sent: Tuesday, October 04, 2005 2:26 PM
To: jweeks@cambridgema.gov; lhsu@cambridgema.gov;
hyngvason@cambridgema.gov; ggarber@cambridgema.gov;
mayor@cambridgema.gov
Subject: wet paint in Kendall Sq.

TO:
Michael Sullivan, Mayor of Cambridge
Greg Garber, Superintendent of Parks and Urban Forestry, Cambridge
Department of Public Works
Jason Weeks, Executive Director, Cambridge Arts Council
Hafthor Yngvason, Director of Public Art
Lillian Hsu, Public Art Administrator

As an MIT employee, I appreciate and regularly use the parks around MIT during my lunch hour. However, today I had a horrible experience at the "galaxy" sculpture in Kendall Square.



I sat on one of the silver benches that surround the sculpture, not realizing that the bench was recently re-painted. There were absolutely no signs indicating, "wet paint." I wore black dress pants to work today, and I walked away with silver stripes all over my back side.

Go ahead, laugh. It's OK.

However, when you are finished laughing, please contact me about how this happened in the first place, and how you can ensure that it will never happen again. My contact information is listed below. I also expect to be reimbursed for the cost of replacing my pants, and would appreciate a swift reimbursement.

Thank you,

P.S. For proof, I have attached a charming photo of my striped rear end.
--


** UPDATE **
Additionally, I just discovered paint all over my Dansko clogs. Please contact me about prompt reimbursement.

Worlds Collide - KnitOut, Part 2

As the Yarn Harlot likes to say, knitters are nice people. So I don't usually worry about politics when I'm in the presence of other knitters. But my worlds collided yesterday when I spotted a big "Stop Abortion Now" sign on the Common. I later discovered that Massachusetts Citizens for Life were demonstrating their evil ways on the Common at the same time as the KnitOut. ahh!

With my blood pressure already on the rise from the stupid sign, I watched Ray Flynn and his wife stroll past me in their Sunday best. Smoke poured from my ears. My cheeks turned beet red. My Danskos got twitchy. I later discovered that Flynnazi was strolling back from Mass at the Cathedral of the Holy Cross where Archbishop O'Malley was actively recruiting parishioners to sign a petition to put another anti-gay constitutional amendment on the ballot. With politics at the pulpit, can someone tell me why these people still have tax-free status?? Flynnazi has this to say to the Boston Globe:

''...it's for children and it's for the stability of marriage..." said Raymond L. Flynn, a former mayor of Boston and Vatican ambassador whose name appears on the petition as one of its chief sponsors.

Yep, there I am ... standing on the Boston Common with my fingers wrapped around the stroller handles and turning my fair Little Man away from the sun ... I'm evil. FuckFuckFuckFuckFuckFuckYou! There ... now I'm evil.

Try as I might to ignore it, I couldn't stop thinking about the stark differences between us fiber folks and those scary folks. Yes, I understand that some knitters might be anti-choice or anti-gay [gasp!]. But they chose fiber over hatred. That's OK with me. I was having a hard time separating my fiber from my hatred. Oops ... did I say that out loud?

So I exacted the only revenge I could in order to protect Little Man from the image of his Mafia-Mom in a fist fight with an 60 year old white man.

Formula: 1 polite Mafia+first day of period+intestinal disturbance = 1 belly FULL of gas and 1 tired anal sphincter.
Enter Mass Citizens for Life, who completely surrounded me on the Orange Line train:



EQUALS ===
1 disturbingly stinking ride for the bigots and one smirking Mafia.

Boston KnitOut

Joined by about 700 of our closest knitterly friends, Little Man and I had such a wonderful day on the Boston Common yesterday.

After much contemplation, I decided to "out" myself as a blogger. eek! I thought this was the most appropriate place for my sticker.


Little Man was "outed" as a blogger too.



In the first hour I wrestled my way into tents and stroller-herded people away from my favorite free patterns. I snagged a bag of 4 (5?) free balls of Berocco yarns and a dozen coupons from local yarn shops. I met up with Rhonda. We spotted Katie. I convinced Rhonda to enter the Fastest Hook contest. We oohed and ahhed at the beautiful entries in the Interweave Knits scarf contest. We met other bloggers - Hi Alison and her cutie Boys. After a diaper change, Little Man was so excited to feel the air on his bare legs that I let him run around in his diaper and rainbow Elmo socks (Gramma bought them, I swear!).

After that, I spent a long long time chasing this surprisingly fast Little Man around and around and around the Common. Thank god for Rhonda and Jessica. They sat calmly knitting on the Common and watching our stroller-pile while I ran around with Little Man.


Big shout out to Christine for her excellent MC skills. Huge shout out to Cynthia for entertaining Little Man while I snuck into the nasty porta-potty before heading home. This became especially important when you realize what I did to some anti-choice thugs on the way home ... hheeeee!

Kitten with a Death Wish

Boston KnitOut

I'll be there. Will you?